I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's rum buckets o'clock
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
