So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
