I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
