I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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