so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
