Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
