was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
