Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
