I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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