i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
