Soap is not a condiment
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
