So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
