Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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