textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize