You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
