i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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