Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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