i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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