I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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