Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
