Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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