so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize