Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
