First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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