I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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