Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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