I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
