Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
