It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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