i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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