i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
