I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
