He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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