She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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