I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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