This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
