My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
time to smoke my breakfast
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
