So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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