Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
