dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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