So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
