it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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