im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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