Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just found puke in my bra..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize