So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
