Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
