I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
