sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We don't watch enough power rangers
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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