I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
