wat bout pragnant strippers??
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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