Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
