I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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