My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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