I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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