Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize