Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
