Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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