So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
