"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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