so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
