Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dignity is for republicans.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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