Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
