We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
