I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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