I'm lost and stupid without you.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize