No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
