Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
