with your own penis?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
